I have become comfortably numb...
Written at 9:21 a.m. on Thursday, Feb. 06, 2003
I had come to the agreement with myself that if I couldnt find anything nice to write, I wouldnt write anything at all.
But then I realized I could be away forever.
So "MrBigDaddy" finally called. Can you beleive he had the audacity to ask me why I havent called him? I wasnt aware that it was my responsibility. I agreed to go pick him up in the morning and drop him off at the house on my way to work. I am so not into making this relationship work anymore.
Yesterday was pretty interesting. I decided that I would break down and go pick up "MrLightening". I informed him before we even got to my house that "MsMoHoney" was going to be none too happy to see him. But she quickly got over it. We all watched movies together. It wasnt too uncomfortable.
At one point, "MsMoHoney" asked me if I was worried about "MrBigDaddy" coming home and finding "MrLightening" there. My response...Nope!
I was actually hoping that he would come home. That way, they would both get mad and I could finally be rid of them both. That's sad!
So we went to bed really early because I knew that I had to be up at 5:30 to go pick "MrBigDaddy" up. We only slept together, nothing physical happened between us.
I felt like I had just went to bed when the alarm went off. I quickly went and dropped off "MrLightening" and then drove and picked up "MrBigDaddy". We went back to the house, but no sooner than I got him there he fell asleep. So much for talking about things.
When I left, he was partially awake. I just said, "Guess I will see you whenever" and I walked out.
I am done feeling this way. I am over it all. I am over trying to deal with the individual situations with both of them.
When I got to work, my cell phone rang. It was "MrLightening". He was telling me about how things with his roommate have gotten bad and he wants to move out of there. I made it clear that he couldnt come to my house. Sorry, the inn is all full here. Not even Baby Jesus could find a room here.
I woke up this morning with a whole new view on things. I was taking two people and taking their good qualities and trying to make a whole with two halves. Despite what they teach you in math class, it can be impossible. You need two "wholes" to make a "Whole" in this case.
So what am I going to do? I havent quite perfected that solution yet. I am not too worried about the outcome in either direction. I have become entirely too numb for that now.