I dont think that I can fake another hollow smile
Written at 1:35 p.m. on Wednesday, Mar. 26, 2003
I tell you, its a very humbling experience when you've been set straight. When you learn the image that you had of yourself is slightly askew.
This morning started off on a good note. He wants an affectionate girlfriend, that's what he's gonna get. This morning was alot better.
I started thinking about it today. I called "MrDiamond" and asked him about it. I asked him if I was affectionate to him while we were dating and he said yes. I suppose I was a little.
One thing I forgot all about that was brought up yesterday with him was the attraction factor. He said he thinks I am not attracted to him. Which couldnt be any farther from the truth. I mean look at him, he's adorable. I think part of me feels its the other way around.
And that has become an overly obsessive thought too. I have been living off of Slim Fast and hard-boiled eggs for weeks now. Its getting a little old. But in my warped little head I keep thinking if I am pretty enough, if I am skinny enough...
And my little idiosyncracies...I take everything so personally. Every little thing he does, I analyze the hell out of it and come up with something negative. I mean silly things like how he keeps his stuff. I'm not going to get into it because I dont want to sound any more mentally deranged than I already do.
"MsMoHoney" told me last night that sometimes I come across as being fake and that's probably why people think I am being standoffish or snobby. But how do I make being affectionate not come off as looking fake too?
And its not that I wasnt held enough as a child or that I didnt feel loved. I blame "MrApronStrings" for all of this...you know that right. It all stems from him. When we were together I was affectionate, I remember that. And I was the one that got pushed away there. If you have someone screaming in your face all the time telling you that no one is ever going to love you, after a while you start believing it.
And I suppose, in my warped little mind again, I feel safe keeping people at a distance and then leaving them before they can leave me. Because I do tend to self-sabotage things sometimes.
I am going to try to allow myself to let people get close to me. I really am going to try. Its going to be hard at first, but I think I can do it. I know sometimes I am going to get disappointed by people and in myself for the pain that you feel by letting someone in. Sometimes you will get burned...but sometimes it can be a great thing.
I have alot of old shit that I need to leave behind. Let it go. Its getting to be too big of a load to carry anyway.