I cant even begin to tell you how difficult it is for me to sit here at work today. The out of sight, out of mind thing really is true.
As I pulled up to work this morning, I saw his car and I started having a panic attack. It took all I had not to cry. I was listening to the song Angry Johnny as I saw him walk over to "MrPinky"'s car. How apropos...the part of the song where she sings "I wanna kill you...I wanna blow you...away".
I have been here for exactly 28 mins and forty two seconds...but who's counting? I think I am going to need all the strength in the world to sit here today. Trust me, I will never mix business with pleasure again. I never want to feel like this again.
Where is Dr Kevorkian when you really need him? Not here! Please someone shoot me. Somewhere in China they feel so bad for me that there is a fund raiser going on to help me...Save Tracey Campaign. How sad is that? The little Chinese people cant feed their families but they feel sorry enough for me to want to save me.
It may seem that I find this humorous, however I dont. If I dont laugh, I am going to crack at the seams.
Its now 11 am and all is quiet on the western front (insert tacky western music here). No sign of trouble yet. Maybe I can treat him like a pigeon and strap a homing device on his leg so I know where he is at all times. Therefore, no sneak attacks.
Well, I am an idiot. I broke the silence. UGH! I called him to go over the cell phone thing. The harm's been done. I broke down and told him that if I was as serious about him as he thought I was, then I wouldnt have been seeing "Pitcherboy" the whole time I was with him. I only screwed myself on this deal. It did nothing but make him think I am a liar and he cant trust me. I wanted to be the bigger person here and I failed...miserably. I took what little respect I could have out of this situation and threw it out the window.
I want to put up walls and never let anyone in again but I cant live life like that. It would be nice to be numb to everything though.
After work I met up with a friend I hadnt seen in a while. We had so much fun. Fun is good!