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Clinging to a past that doesnt let me choose
Written at on Wednesday, Apr. 24, 2002

Well, I have had some time to cool off and sad enough to say I dont feel much better. I mainly feel stupid. Stupid again for caring so much about someone whose depth barely scratches the surface. I still see him standing there last night with his baseball hat slightly askew looking like a "wish I could be somebody, white supremist wanna be gang banging Hell's Angel". I take that back...that just makes me sound bitter and I'm not. Well, a little. (Hey, at least I am honest, right.)

And then...

I had a revelation today. I am a product of association. I think I was only attracted to "MrSkinSoSoft" because he reminded me of a guy I dated back in Baltimore. Look at "Pitcherboy" and "MrBigDaddy" for example...cant get more similar than that. Then I started thinking I might be going somewhere with this theory. "MrCostanza" reminds me of another guy I dated back in Baltimore.

And then...

I sat down going down my list and started pairing them off and was taken aback by how many of them reminded me of someone else. It was really bizarre. Its kinda like I have a fingerprint of the man I want. Or is it that I am trying to get back the past with a new man hoping they will be like the past one? I am seeing a pattern here but I am not finding any rhyme or reason to it all. Its like my own little cloning project. So in retrospect these men arent "old cow"...they are "cloned, recycled cow". Hmmmm!?!

And then...

After work, "MrBigDaddy" and I finally made it to Home Depot. We ended up not going for the little project I saw on tv but instead just going and buying a new computer desk.

And then...

We sat and talked while he put it together. He has been at my house every day this week and I am trying not to get used to it. I dont want to get back together or anything; I just like the energy he gives off.

And then...

I went to "Cheers" around 10:30. "MsAngelic" and "Cornflakegirl" were already there. "Ms2inchman" came later. Even "MrJohnnyAngel" crawled out of the woodwork tonight. It was nice to see him. He hasnt been coming alot lately. He was dressed like a normal person without all that leather Harley getup crap he wears and he looked nice all cleaned up.

And then...

I realized that I could be at home in my nice, warm bed sleeping so I left. I came home and talked to "MsBoobsAlot" for a little bit on the phone.

And then...

I went to sleep.

And then...

No and then!!!

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