Today started off good. No complaints about that.
"MrSkinSoSoft" came to and met me at my work around noon and we went out to lunch. Lunch for him, Blueberry beer for me. It was nice just sitting there and talking to him. He got a little deep at times. It was nice to have him share a little bit of personal stuff with me because I really dont know that much.
After work, I FINALLY made it up to Orange to drop off my payment. Then I headed home for a nap. I was so tired today. I even started getting a headache. I was supposed to go over to "MsAngelic"'s house for a small get together since she is leaving tomorrow but I never made it. I was just so tired. I kept falling asleep on the sofa watching movies with "MsMoHoney". I finally got up and went to bed.
A little bit after I finally fell back asleep, "MsAngelic" called me from "Cheers" (I think!) and told me that "MrSkinSoSoft" had been there earlier and if I knew that tomorrow was his birthday. I already knew it was his birthday, he's turning 29. She proceeded to tell me I was wrong and that he's turning 30. She also said that he must have lied to me. I dont really care either way...what is one year! I wasnt mad or anything...I have just been a little more emotional than normal lately.
Thank the gods "MsMoHoney" was still up after the phone call. I went out in the living room and talked to her for a bit. Well, it was more like I babbled and she sat listening, trying to figure out my nonsense.
I want to just get away for a while. I want to not be around or talk to anyone for a while. I want to not be reminded (even if it is by people that care about me) that I am chasing a shadow. I dont want a constant reminder that I care about someone that doesnt reciprocate it. I dont want to care as much as I do about him. I dont want to go to "Cheers" and look over at him every 5 seconds. I want my life back the way that it was. I just dont know how to make it all go away. I feel so empty and alone right now. I just need a break from it all, for just a little while.
I need to spend some time focusing on me. I need to take care of me right now. I need an inner makeover badly. Not that I dont need an outer one as well. I am just so tired of feeling yucky...all the time. I hate looking back at these diary entries and seeing 80-something entries where in all but a handful of them I am unhappy, miserable or sad. There are only a few entries where I am genuinely happy. I dont know what made my happiness go away or how to get it back...but I will. If it takes everything I have, I will do it.
I need to go home and see my family. That is number one priority right now. Both my mother and my grandmother are not doing too well right now and each have medical issues. I wasnt there when my father died and I still live with the guilt. I dont know what I would do if anything happened to my mother or my grandmother and I never got to see them one last time. Its been about 7 years since I have been back home. I cant wait much longer.
I need to stop saying that I will do it next year after I save enough money to do it. Next year will never come if I keep waiting for enough money. Next year might even be too late.
Second priority, which should be first, is to stop pussy-footing around and find out what is wrong with me. Stop slacking off and get into the hospital for a MRI. I cant keep putting this off as well. Its only going to get worse the more I keep putting it off. I am not getting any younger and its going to get more hard the older I get.
Third, GET OFF MY ASS! Get out and start doing things more. Stop sitting around doing nothing. Get out and walk...get out and do something...anything. I will feel much better if I do. I think tomorrow I am going to go down to Salt Creek beach, take a nice walk and kinda connect with things. I scattered my fathers ashes there 8 yrs ago when he died and I always feel at peace there.
As for anything else, I am sure it will fall into place when I get the first three movements into gear. I gotta do it. Health, family and finances are what its all about. Time to focus on ME!