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I can see inside you the sickness is rising
Written at on Wednesday, Jun. 26, 2002

For the love of god, someone make it all go away, please. I give in, I surrender. I cant take anymore.

It is now 1:30 am and I am still awake. I am convinced that I cant sleep more than 3 hours a night now. Its been days since I have slept more. I have cried all day long for so many numerous reason. I just cant stop.

I cried as I read some random guys diary entries earlier. His entries were so...so...so not close to anything I have. All he could write about was this intense love he has for his girlfriend. It was amazing. All I could think was about how I want to be loved the way this guy loves.

I cried again as I pulled into my apartment complex and saw "MsAngelic" was still here filling up her U-haul. I stopped to say goodbye to her again and it was so hard. I didnt want to leave yet it was so hard to stay. I have never been very good at goodbyes. I am really going to miss her. I am going to miss our dinners together, all of our man-bashing and just having a friend across the street when I needed someone to be there.

I cried, yet again after I got off the phone with "MrCostanza". We spent about an hour on the phone going over my cd collection. He wants to borrow some cd's to burn. Earlier, "MsMoHoney" had mentioned that he added her to his yahoo account. He says that they have talked...she says that they havent. If I werent an emotional mess right now, I normally wouldnt care. Part of me already doesnt. I am trying to rationalize things..."MsMoHoney" is a good friend, I know she wouldnt do anything to hurt me. Still, men cant be trusted and I know he is only doing this to get under my skin and twist the knife that's in my heart. I dont get it...a year ago I didnt even know who he was and a month ago I was all about "MrSkinSoSoft". Why do I keep allowing myself to do this? Why cant I get those walls high enough where no one can ever scale them...not even spiderman himself.

I just cant put my finger on the reason for all the emotions. Is this depression or is this just a growing pain? I look at my friends, "Ms2inchman" for example...I have always admired her strength. She can have a man do the unimaginable to her, yet she is able to flash a "fuck him" smile and move on. No biggie! Why cant I do that? All of these fucking "MrSkinSoSoft"s, "MrJohnnyAngel"s and "MrCostanza"s of the world...that is why. They come along and take a piece, leaving a little less each time for the next one who comes along. What if one day the right one comes along and I have no more pieces and I have nothing to offer because everyone else that came before has taken everything and left me empty.

I just dont get it. Maybe I never will. Maybe I am just not meant to ever get it. Kinda like that dangling carrot that will always be just slightly out of reach. I just want to be that hard, invincible girl that never shows the flaws in her armor. I want to be strong and never show any signs of weakness. I just dont want to be so damn weak all the time.

I am trying to get back on the right path. I need to keep reminding myself that it still exists and it is achievable. Focus, Tracey! You can do it. Moral of the story is...Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. I have to keep remembering that. What doesnt kill us makes us stronger, right? I am starting to think that the mother fucker who came up with that bullshit lived in a plastic bubble and never felt a single emotion a day in his life. Is it better to be numb to it all and never feel anything good or bad or to go through life taking the good with the bad even if it means more pain than happiness at times?

That is my question of the day...

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