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If you dont catch me now, I cant stand stop falling down
Written at 9:52 p.m. on Saturday, Jun. 29, 2002

Am I really sitting home yet another night? I can hardly beleive this. I just havent really been in the mood or mindset to do anything lately.

"MrCostanza" came over this morning for a while. I cant even begin to describe it. What the hell is wrong with me. I have been doing alot of thinking about him today. I have come to the realization that I am a major fuck up! Plain and simple. I should have it branded on my forehead just like the scarlet A that Prue wore...but that is a whole different story.

I have come to a revalation today. I went back over old diary entries and old archived messages that concerned "MrCostanza". I am the one to blame here, and I hate that fact. The lesson I learned here is I have caused the situation I am in. For the last year he has been the one mentioning how I am the one not wanting to see him and always coming up with excuses as to why I cant see him. That is exactly what I did...I kept coming up with excuse after excuse to not see him. Its funny how we choose the way we want to perceive how things happen. I was so far off. In his archived messages he stated more than a few times how I am the one too busy to see him and how I am the one who appears to be uninterested. I wish I had read them alot sooner. Now its too late. He will be gone and I can do nothing to change that. What if I spent the last year going from Mr Wrong to Mr Wrong meanwhile I had Mr Right standing right in front of my face and I pushed him away? I am not saying that he is MR RIGHT by a long shot, I was using that as an analogy.

The worse thing was as I was reading my old, handwritten diary, I came across the entry where I met him and the entry where we had sex for the first time. I started thinking about how cool it would be to do something really memorable on that night...then all of the sudden it hit me like a mac truck...HE WONT BE HERE, HE WILL BE 3,000 MILES AWAY. And that thought saddened me to no end. Its kinda like "you dont know what you got til its gone". I had no idea until recently.

I would leave with him tomorrow if he would take me. I would go without giving it a second thought. Is that sad or what?

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