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I wish I could scream out loud that I love you...I wish I could say to you dont go
Written at on Thursday, Jul. 11, 2002

I keep feeling like I am stuck in a dream and no matter how hard I try, I just cant seem to wake up. If I must be stuck in a dream, why cant it be the one where I am riding off into the sunset with some handsome man. No, I have to be stuck in the nightmare that I call my life.

Work went okay. I am the only one in the entire place that doesnt have a specified lunch time. I just go to lunch when I am told to. Well, today I was told to go at 10:30 am. What is up with that? That's not lunch, that's breakfast.

So after work, I went home and slept for a little bit. All I want to do lately is sleep. I come home from work dead tired and sleep for a few hours...then when its night time and I should be sleeping, I am wide awake and restless...then I manage to fall asleep for a few hours until I wake up and shuffle off to work tired because I got to bed so late. Its beginning to be rather frustrating to say the least.

I got online for a while and talked to "MrCostanza" for a bit. He had to remind me that he is leaving in 2 1/2 weeks. I didnt need to be reminded. Thank you, but I am already well aware of your departure time. Whenever I stop dating someone, I always wish I could send them far away. Its different this time. He is leaving on good terms; there is no bad blood here. We didnt have an argument, there was no fight...and that makes it worse. If I hated him, it would be easier to see him leave. But I dont want to hate him and I dont want him to hate me. Cant I just send "MrBitchOnaBike" or "MrSkinSoSoft" in his place? That would be golden.

I have come to the realization that I am doomed to spend eternity in California. I cant leave here any time soon, if ever. Even if I got a job back home, my MS is a pre-existing medical condition that would require me to wait a full year before insurance would start covering me. I dont have that kind of time. I need constant care now including a shot every week. If I went a whole year without shots, I would be in a wheelchair in no time for sure. So for now my adventures will just have to take place in California. I just wish I could have "MsAngelic" back here hanging out like it used to be. The three of us were like the Powderpuff girl...only cuter and alot more sexually active.

I thank the gods everyday that I have good friends like "Ms2inchman" and "MsAngelic" and "MsMoHoney". They are the greatest. I couldnt ask for better.

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