Ok...first, let me say I am aware that I am updating this way too much. I just had to.
I was sitting here at my desk and a million and one things started going through my mind. All of the sudden my chest got very tight and it took my breath away...what you might call a panic attack. I wanted to get up and walk outside...and scream really loud!
But I couldnt, so instead I just sat here repeating to myself..."you've got to get over this, Tracey. You just have to". And you know what, I dont feel a damn bit better. Because, the truth as it is seen to me is, I dont want to get over it. I am desperately trying to get myself to want to get over it. My head and my heart just arent in sync right now.
I think it would be true to say that since I have spent so much of my life with a little bit of unhappiness in it at all times...I have made a life out of being unhappy. I wouldnt know what to do if I didnt have a little unhappiness mixed in there. Is that insane or what?
First thing I need to do it stop writing in this thing every 20 minutes like its crack and I need a fix. Second, I need to get things in check...fast. I need to stop walking around like a damn ostrich. When things go bad I cant keep putting my head in the sand and just wait for it all to pass. The "if I cant see it, then it just doesnt exist" mentality is a very bad one to have. And its doing nothing to help my situation. Third, clean my room and not lay out anything of personal value so "snoopy" has nothing to come across.