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And I have the sense to recognize, that I dont know how to let you go
Written at 9:20 a.m. on Thursday, Jul. 18, 2002

Ok, first let me fill ya all in everything up to this morning.

Yesterday, after work I was driving home all sad and I pulled a "legally blonde"...I was listening to some depressing ass songs and wallowing in my misery until I looked over..."Oooh, nail salon". So I stopped and got my nails done. I didnt feel much better afterwards but I no longer had to hide my hands in my pocket out of shame for how horrible they looked. So, "Ms2inchman" met me there and we headed to my house to meet up with "MsMoHoney" to go to this club in Oceanside.

It turned out to be a pretty good night. There werent alot of people there but the ones that were there were pretty entertaining. "Mr66DDD" was there...So was "MrFetish"...along with his friend "MrSippyCup". So we stayed there until midnight. I really wanted to go home by then. All I wanted to do was go home, get online and talk to "MrCuriousGeorge". Pathetic, huh?

So, as I was pulling up to my apartment complex and going through the gate, he called me on my cell. YAY! The bad part is he was calling me from "Cheers". TRAITOR! It's all good because he left there and came on over. I win again! By the time he got to my house, he was pretty drunk. He didnt sound that drunk over the phone, but boy was he by the time he got to my house. It was so funny. I dont know which one of us was more worse off. I was f'd up too, in a different way.

As soon as we got into the house, I started in on him reading my diary. I took a big plastic bag and started putting various things around the room in it. When he asked me what I was doing, I responded by telling him that I didnt want to leave anything out that he could have access to that was personal. He kinda shrugged it off. I was trying to make a point and be funny at the same time. I dont think he got it.

So needless to say, I spent another night getting no sleep, but it was sooooo worth it. Tonight he was like a totally different person. He was, how do I put this...ummm, a little more vocal and talkative than normal. He said some things that shocked me and I dont know if he said them because he had been drinking or because everything is out in the open now. I am in no way stating that he has started to feel the same. Guess you had to have been there, but I am damn glad you werent.

Important lesson for the night...dont have sex while listening to the Mirrorball cd by Sarah McLachlan. Its so terribly depressing. All the songs are so slow and sad. It was already a rough night already because he was having a bad headache and the music only made it worse for me. I felt like his nurse all night...handing him his water off the nightstand and running and getting him more water every fifteen minutes. He did call me a sweetie for taking such good care of him. Awww, that is me...Nurse Sweetie!

So, I finally got to sleep for about 2 hours. I must have hit snooze on my alarm about 10 times...honestly. No where in my alarm going off and on in this 45 min period did he ever mention or initiate sex in any way. No, he saved it until I finished taking a shower and had to walk out the door in 10 mins. So, I did what I had to do...prepared to call in late to work. Did you think I would just grab my jacket and leave? I did tell him as I was walking out the door..."Ok Snoopage, we are going to try this again. Do you think you can handle staying here unchapparoned without going through my shit again?". He said yes, so I left it at that. So the important lesson learned this morning was...I can leave my house at 8:10 and still make it to work if I haul ass and cut off everyone along the way. For anyone who got cut off this morning by an out of control car...that was me and I apologize.

So I got to work in time, thankfully. He called me a little while ago to let me know that he made it home and still isnt feeling well. Poor thing. As much as I bitch about how I never get any sleep and all other things aside, I wouldnt want to trade these nights for anything. They are precious to me. I only have 8 days left with him. 8 days! That stops my heart just to think about. How can you make 8 days last forever? If someone knows, please let me know because I watched the movie "Misery" and its starting to give me ideas. And that is scaring me!

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