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I'm wasting my life away...with things I couldnt say
Written at 2:34 p.m. on Wednesday, Jul. 24, 2002

Why, oh, why does it have to hurt so bad? It gets harder and harder each time I see him. I want to grab hold of him and tell him that he has to stay...or that the only way he can go is if he takes me with him.

He just left here. I am watching him drive away as I type this. He came by to drop off another box for me to ship out for him. I told him that I will have the credit card slips for him later this afternoon. His response..."I will see you before I leave". It took all I had not to kick him. I wasnt doubting the fact that I would see him before he left until he said that. Now I am wondering if I will only see him once before he leaves.

So we talked for a little bit. After he leaves here, he is going to take care of is change of address stuff and then the gym. I dont even want to think about the change of address things. I dont want to picture him anywhere but here. I dont know why its come about that he is having this effect on me. I dont want to be feeling like this. I wish I had never got this close to him. I wish he had remained the friend of my friend. Being attached like this is sooooo incredibly painful.

I want to tell him so badly how I feel and how much I care, yet I dont think I could bring myself to do it. I just know that if someone really cared about me, whether I was leaving or not, I would want to know...even if something couldnt come out of it. But I am too afraid to tell him. Everyone keeps telling me how I cant be mad at him for things when he doesnt really know how I feel. I dont know if that is a good or bad thing. I dont want him to think I am only telling him as a ploy to get him to stay. I wish he would stay, but I am not going to beg him to.

I care about him too much to see him give up his dreams even if he would stay...which he wont. He would never stay for me anyway. He doesnt even know how I feel about him. Maybe I should just keep it that way!

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