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Oh, I am what I am...I'll do what I want
Written at 9:12 a.m. on Wednesday, Jul. 31, 2002

Ok, this may sound a little harsh to some of you and it is in no way directed to any ONE of you, but to you ALL as a whole.

I have been flooded with emails recently about my considering moving back home. I AM NOT MOVING BACK THERE FOR "MRCURIOUSGEORGE" ALONE!!! My reasons for considering it go way deeper than him. And right now it is just that...a consideration. Him being there is simply and added bonus. I love you all, you are my one and only reason for staying but I have to do what is right for me. That is in no way an indication of my staying or going...just a statement. You all are so quick to judge me and tell me I am crazy. One of you even said you wouldnt remain friends with me if I did leave. Joking or not, if you cant accept my decisions in life, MY LIFE, then you arent a friend at all and you wont be missed.

I ask all of you to stop and think for a second. Where is your family? Right down the street you say? When did you last see your mother, grandparent or some other family member? Yesterday you say? Well, I wish I could say the same. All of my family live 3,000 miles away and I havent seen them in 7 yrs. All of you have lived here your entires lives and have your family here. I havent and I dont.

Put yourself in my shoes for one second. What would you do if you were told that you have an incurable disease that could someday leave you paralyzed AND you didnt have your family right down the street to hold your hand and give you support? You would feel pretty damn lonely. Now imagine this...your grandmother and mother both have some form of cancer and they dont live right down the street...they live 3,000 miles away and you havent seen either of them in 7 yrs. You would be there in a heartbeat to spend time with them because there are no guarantees in life. They are sick, I am sick...tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone. I am not sick right now, but who knows what tomorrow holds. I plan on fighting this disease for the rest of my life and I know I dont want to do it alone...and that is what I am right now, ALONE! Do you know what its like to come home to an empty house every single night? No, because you come home to your mother or your husband or someone.

Please dont tell me that I friends to help me. Because the truth is that you all have your own lives and your own families. Are you really going to be there 30 years from now for me if it gets really bad. No, of course you wont. You will have your own husbands and your own children and maybe even grandchildren to take care of. That is what family is for. As much as I love all of you and think of some of you as family, the fact still remains that you arent. Think back at your high school graduation. Do you remember telling anyone "we'll be friends forever, we'll always keep in contact"? Are you, do you? Probably not. People grow up and they grow away, that is life.

So when you think "That damn Tracey, she is so insane for thinking she can move across the country for a guy"...no sweetheart, its for my sanity. You might even compare me to someone else who has moved away, but the fact is that the circumstances are VERY different. I want to do so many things with my life while I still can. Your 20's are supposed to be the years of your life when you take risks and do bold things because when you get older those oppurtunities just arent there. When I was so sad about "MrCuriousGeorge" leaving, a few of you kept telling me "He has dreams that he has to make come true. Its selfish for you to want to keep him here instead of fullfilling those dreams". Funny how the perception changes when you are on the receiving end of it.

I just have a little more rambling to do before I am done. I havent fully made up my mind yet whether to stay or go. Even if I did go, it probably wouldnt be for a while. I have things I need to get in order first. Its something that I am going to think about with the utmost careful consideration. You call yourself my friend? Well, be a friend. You can help me and give me your opinions without slapping me in the face with them. Again, this is not directed to any one person in entirity...just bits and pieces. Relate yourself to what fits and take the piece that you want. I just wanted to respond to you all as a whole. Because I am not stupid or irresponsible. I am not thinking I will get out there and "he" will have this epiphany and realize that he loves me. He will either get out there and miss me and realize what he had...or he wont. Only time will tell!

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