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I wanna be sedated...
Written at 11:41 p.m. on Monday, Sept. 09, 2002

Have you ever had one of those days where every little thing turns into the sound of nails scraping down a chalkboard? If you say no, you are a liar because I know we all have those days. Yes, I know they suck but we all have them. You can come out from behind your curtain of denial...I am not here to see the wizard.

Every little thing today has managed to get under my skin. I dont know what it is. Maybe I am hitting those "old, angry and bitter years". You know, those years when people get so old that all they can do it bitch. I know I am about 65 years too early for all that, but who knows. I have the angry and bitter part down. Who says I have to be old too? Meatloaf said it best when he said "two out of three aint bad". Umm, did I really just quote Meatloaf? Oh, gawd...it has gotten bad.

There isnt one particular thing, or even a few, that I can pick out as examples...its more like a motley of incidents throughout my day. Nothing and no one in particular...just everything and everyone. Yeah, that made sense.

I think what it is, is that I am just not looking forward to having a birthday this year. Even though its only another day, its one number higher on any forms I fill out. Or one number higher to everyone who asks "how old are you". And recently I have noticed, all pointed out by my mother herself, how much I looked like her when she was my age. And, yeah...I dont want to look like that in 25 years. Although, I do think my mother looks good for her age, I just dont want to be that old...everr! And I know I am just fighting the inevitable.

I havent forgotten how badly my birthday sucked last year. What is the next worst thing than having your birthday on September 11th? Having your birthday the day after. That whole thing just put a dark cloud left hovering over my birthday. And I dont want to sound selfish because I know I could have had it much worse than I did. I didnt lose my life that day, and I didnt lose someone close to me either...and I am very, very thankful for that.

But between that day last year and this day this year...I have had alot happen in between. Some of it little menial things looking back at them now...while some were a little more trivial. Some things I have overcome, while others will be a lifelong struggle. But its all okay. I may bitch about it all now, but deep down I know that everything is going to be okay. But today, I just needed to vent.

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