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A man can tell a thousand lies, I've learned my lesson well...
Written at 8:42 a.m. on Friday, Sept. 13, 2002

Well today I made my own damn horoscope...

When you open your heart to the possibility of love, you sometimes close your eyes to reason, sanity, reality, etc. CLOSE YOUR HEART AND OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES!!! Oh, and people never change so dont expect them to.

Hey, I think that makes a good horoscope. As a matter of fact, I think its the most accurate one I have had to date. Yeah, I know I made it up myself...that is what makes it accurate.

So, my birthday didnt suck. That is a good thing. After work I drove and picked up "MrBialamos" and took him back to my house where "Ms2inchman" was already waiting. "MsMoHoney" joined us a little later. We pretty much just hung out at the house and then we did manage to go out and grab Chinese food a little later.

The Chinese place was great. The lady that works there talked like Miss Swan. You know, the lady from Mad TV. And I just about died when she answered the phone and said "como estas". I thought it was funny, a chinese lady speaking spanish. Well, it was funny to me. Well, "MrBialamos" went into this speil about how he USED to be a player and now he beleives in only being with one person. I wish he would have thought that way last year when we were together.

When we got back to the house, "Ms2inchman" decided to go home because it was getting late and "MsMoHoney" retreated into her room to do some things. That left me alone with "grabby". And, ummm, yeah, things got weird when everyone left me alone with him and I didnt have a mediator. He and I watched "Life is a House". Great movie! Its very sad, its all about losing love then finding love then losing love. At least to me that is what it was about. I think, I could be wrong as HE DIDNT SHUT HIS FREAKING MOUTH ONCE DURING THE DAMN MOVIE! Even "MsMoHoney" yelled something out of her room about it.

Well, halfway through the movie he turns to me and says "how do you feel about me?" To which I responded, "I like you, you are a very nice person". That right there started an hours long coversation about "us". He told me how much he cares about me and he brought up the whole marriage thing again. It is just way too soon to be even bringing that up in jest, but he brought it up a few times. Then he asked me what I thought our children would look like. I kinda chuckled to myself thinking, yeah, I saw them in my dreams last night...I could tell you exactly what they looked like. But instead I just said "I dont know". So he says if it is a boy, it would be the cutest little boy and if it was a girl, she would be the most beautiful little girl. Then...he looked me straight in my face...and...said..."I love you". I just looked at him kinda stunned and said "you're cool too, thanks". What was I supposed to say? I mean, really, what do you say to that? I know I could have come up with something better than "You are cool too" but I was like a deer caught in headlights. I didnt know which direction to go. All I could do was stand there waiting for the truck to hit me.

Whew, I managed to get passed that one unscarred. BUT, later on he said it again. And when I didnt say anything back he said "when someone tells you that they love you, you are supposed to say it back". Ummm, my mother taught me that if I didnt have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. The truth is, that I dont love him. I am trying not to care about him. I dont want to get hit by a truck again. I am still hurting from the last time. So we both just rolled over and went to sleep.

About 20 minutes later, "MsMoHoney" calls me on the phone and we ended up taking a quick trip at 1 am to the gas station to get drinks and stuff. I was talking to her about it. I was telling her how he is really making me want to start opening up a little bit, and not be so cold. But its hard because I am still slightly bitter about before. I have trust issues with him. I understand that people make mistakes, but that doesnt mean I have to continue to be naive and gullible after I forgive. I guess I can easily forgive, I just never forget. And I dont really think I should try to forget. I got burned the last time, and I should remember how hot that was and that I shouldnt stand so close to the fire. I was telling "MsMoHoney" that if I bring down the walls and let him in, right about now is when it will all start to fall to crap. I like the image in my head, the visuals in my dreams. They are good enough for me. But I slightly let him in last night. All I did was kiss him last night, but gawd, it was so hard to let it stop there. I came close to caving a few times. But I was strong and didnt. Looking back I am glad that I didnt. Because...

Just like clockwork, it turned to shit in the morning. Ummm, yeah...a big pile of flaming poo! So, he wakes up and the honey's and the baby's start. And I am thinking, ok, I can deal with this. So we leave at about 7:30 because after all I have to drive his ass all the way back home and make it to work in an hour. We stop for gas, and he gets out and pumps it for me. Muchos gracias! So we are driving along and just cruising and I turn the corner of some street and there is a girl walking down the street. Dont know why I even noticed all of this, but I did. So I just happen to glance over at him out of the corner of my eye as we pass by her, and I cant help notice that his head follows her as we drive by. And, ummm, yeah...so not cool with me! Not cool at all.

I really dont like having my feelings manipulated by anyone. And that is how I felt. Like he tried to talk me up about how great he was last night, just to have me wake up to the asshole he is like I always had. Yeah, not cool at all. So I kinda slightly whispered under my breath, yet loud enough for him to hear that I am mumbling but not loud enough to make it out..."See that there right there did it. That right there is why I cant and shouldnt trust." Then I got a little louder and said "That right there proved it all to me...that right there. That is all I needed to know".

It proved it to me on a few levels. It either proves to me that I cant trust him to be with just me, because lord knows he wasnt capable of it before. And if I am wrong and its all in my head, it proves to me that I cant let go of it. I cant put it past me. And I dont want to be the girl watching what my boyfriend is watching all the time. I dont want to be wondering what he is doing when I am not there, constantly thinking about nothing but bad things. I dont want to be worrying all the time. Which is exactly what I would be doing with him. Communication and trust...#1 in my book and if its not there, you dont have any foundation to build from. And its just not there with him. Whether its all in my head and I am just blowing this way out of proportion or not, I dont want to be that girl. I dont want to be that weak again. I am stronger than that. And yeah, THAT right there made up my mind.

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