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I may not have the grace of Fred Astaire, I may not have the mind of Jung, but I love you
Written at 2:37 p.m. on Thursday, Sept. 19, 2002

I dont know why, but I have had "MrBigDaddy" on my mind alot today. I am still very, very pissed off at him for what he did to me, but I keep having constant reminders of him. It doesnt help that the little shit is still getting mail sent to my house.

I am looking back at the myriads of people who told me months ago that I should have cancelled his cell phone service. I just hate when I open myself up to people, just to get punched in the stomach and have the wind knocked out of me. Ya know, all he had to do was come to me and say "Hey Trac, due to the fact that I just lost my job and I have a kazillion million little mouths to feed, I wont be able to make the cell phone bill this month". I, in return, would have said "Sure thing, we can work something out". The situation could have been handled alot better than how he handled it.

It got me thinking about a conversation that I had not too long ago with "MrCuriousGeorge". There is a friend of mine that he doesnt particularly care for, to say the least, and he always asks me how I can be that person's friend. My reply to him...because I like to think that everyone contains some good and I am just the type of person that looks for good in people, even if I have to dig really deep. With "MrBigDaddy", I should have known that if he is going to lie to the woman who is the mother of a billion of his kazillion kids, sooner of later his lies would come around to me. Money isnt the issue here, I can write that $600 away, it will mark my credit a little bit but eventually that mark will go away. The mark he left on my trust will forever be a blemish, a constant reminder not to go around foolishly trusting people.

I have always thought that I was a good judge of character...but, lately I have been starting to have second doubts about my opinions and conclusions of people. Sometimes I take for granted the people I shouldnt, while enabling all the wrong people to do as they wish with my heart. The three or four people I hold as dear friends, and they know who they are, mean the world to me. They have walked the miles with me and held my hand through the bad times. They have proved that I can trust them. And I would hate to ever have one of them think that they couldnt trust me. Which brings me back to an unfinished apology that I owe someone. One of you, and you know who you are, was hurt by me last night and from the bottom of my heart to the depth of my soul I am sincerely sorry that I made you hurt. I didnt mean to blemish your trust. Please forgive me.

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