Yikes, this day really needs to hurry up and get over with. Its sad because here I bitch and complain about turning another year older, yet at the same time I want every day to fly by in a blink. Well, I see I cant have that both ways. But I will continue to strive to have my way, even if it doesnt make sense.
So, its Monday. My favorite day of the week (insert sarcasm here). I have accomplished a little this morning. I had to contact my neurologist this morning to check and see if it would be okay to take my shot a day earlier this week because "MsMoHoney" will be going out of town for a few days. They told me that I really shouldnt as it can cause some serious side effects and not be all that effective in fighting the disease when you take it off its schedule. But the nice nurse lady at his office said that if I come in there Thursday morning, she will be more than happy to give it to me herself and save me the trouble of trying to attempt it myself. Yeah, like that would ever happen. I COULDNT EVEN INJECT A FREAKING TOMATO! There is no way in hell I would, could or would want to do it myself.
I really should someday learn to do it myself. The nurse who came to teach us said that I should in case no one was there to do it for me. I kinda shrugged her off at the time thinking that if I was ever in that predicament I would just go to my neurologist, like I am doing this week. Baby steps, baby steps...I am still getting used to taking them. I dont want to hyperventilate and pass out anymore...lets just be thankful for that accomplishment.
I dont want my disease to become a burden for anyone else. Disease...that didnt sound right. That sounds so...so...sickly. I dont know what to call it. Illness? But I dont feel ill or appear ill. I feel good right now. I havent (knock on some serious wood) had any bad relapses since February. And dont think I am not thankful for that every day. I dont have complete feeling back in my hands, and I may never get it back...but if I stay the way I am this very moment for the rest of my life, I will be tremendously thankful. I refuse to let it take control of me and my life.
I was scared at first, having dealt with my father who had this and that being the only example I had with which to compare by. He was worst case scenerio too. I have talked to alot of people that have this...some of them scared the shit out of me, while some gave me great hope and encouragement. Its my choice whether I want to be scared or fight. I think I will fight.
I didnt really intend for my whole entry to be me rambling on about this. Sometimes when I get on my little soapbox, its hard to get me down.
I dont know why but today I woke up with a million things running through my head. I may short circuit at any moment. I have just been thinking today about a lot of things and people. About my relationships that I have with people. There are some that I need to rebuild the bridges that I have burned while others I just have to come to the realization that those bridges will never get me to the other side, and need to just be torn down.
One that I really need to work on is with my mother. I know she is a little pissed with me right now, all because she is hurting. I could have been a little more tactful with telling her that I need to keep her at a distance, because now she has backed away entirely. I have carried around the "I have been fine the last 8 years without you, I can do eight more with my hands tied behind my back" mentality for far too long. But I am tired of it. I am tired of carrying the load of that burden of guilt. I feel guilty sometimes that I am being too hard on her by punishing her for things that were so long ago and that we cant take back and change. Its been done, we just need to work from here.
In case you cant tell, I have serious trust issues. I tend to trust people, but once I am burned, even the slightest, I have a hard time trusting that person again. I know its natural to want to be reluctant to trust people again after being hurt, but I am unable to distinguish the people who are deserving of a second chance from those who arent.
Is it wrong to want to check references before starting a friendship with someone? "Thank you for applying for my friendship, please take this application and fill it out. Please list 5 of your closest friends as I will be checking with them to see how good of a friend you are to them. I will then contact you within 7-10 business days and let you know my decision." Its scary, but I would if I could.
Ok, I really have gone on long enough this time. Time to punch the card and call it quits. I have done enough venting for today.