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And its too late baby, now its too late, though we really did try to make it
Written at 8:58 a.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 24, 2002

Ok, there is a point where trying to look younger, just looks stupid. Such was the case for the man in the car next to me on my way into work that was screaming MID-LIFE CRISIS. He was probably about late 40's or early 50's. It would have been fine if he had stopped there. No, was driving in his little Mercedes convertible, top down, and we all know about men salvaging their youth with fancy cars. Next on the list of dont's was the fact that he had hair that was highly apparent it had been dyed dark, then cut kinda spikey on top...and topped off with blonde tips. It was like a flash into the future, N'sync in their later years. No, it was not a pretty sight. Youth is something that you try to remember, not try to recapture.

So enough about that. I am still trying to figure out what to do with my day. Of course, I dont have much choice with the next eight or so hours as I will be right here behind my desk. But after that, I just dont know. I dont know if I want to go out with "MrBialamos" tonight. It gets harder each time we hang out to deal with him. There are stages with him. First, I am happy to see him. Then, I get dilusional and start thinking he has changed and there could be something more. Then, when I realize exactly how dilusional I am, I get annoyed by him. Just for kicks, add some random frustration to the last two stages.

I totally understand that with men they like the thrill of the hunt. He is just freakin' clueless. (I am trying to cut back on my level of profanity) I just need to be straight with him. I dont really want anything out of this now. I may have for a while there, but now I dont. I see now that he cant be the person I need him to be. He makes little comments, does little things and I cant handle that. I dont want him saying things like "when we get married..." or "can I spend the night?" Not happening. Its too late.

A year ago, he had his chance and now he has crossed over into that realm called friendship. I was talking to "MrDiamond" last night about that realm. I told him that I dont sleep with my friends. So he said "what about what happened with us...I am your friend". I tried to explain how that was different. With us, we didnt have this deep level of friendship before something happened. We dated, didnt work, so we became good friends. Once you cross into that realm of friend, any chance of more is exstinguished. Once I have become good friends with someone, I dont want to attempt a relationship.

He keeps playing the Spanish card and thinks it's because we are from two entirely different backgroundS. It has nothing to do with that. Its not that I think I am better than him, I just think we are too different. He really needs to figure out who he is before he can incorporate someone else into the equation. I dont think he has a clue. One minute he comes off as someone who goes to church all the time and then in the next breath he comes off as someone that goes to bars every night and wakes up with hangovers every morning. And there is nothing wrong with either of those, but I am done with that part of my life. I will occasionally go to a bar now and then. I dont drink, or should I say cant drink, so that right there isnt much fun. So why would I want to go to a bar to sit there, sober as all get out, and watch someone else get plastered?

See, my level of frustration is rising just by talking about him. I know I said I would cut back but...FUCK!

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