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Shout, shout, let it all out...these are the things I can do without...
Written at 4:09 a.m. on Sunday, Oct. 13, 2002

Today has felt like the longest day of my life. Yeah, and its not even over with.

"Ms2inchman" came over late this afternoon and we hung out for a bit. I was talking to "MrFrostedFlakes" online, when all of the sudden my cell phone rings and it was him. We talked for a while. It was so bittersweet to hear his voice. He will always own this cornered off little section of my heart that says "reserved". He always has and he always will. I didnt want to let him off the phone, but I had to go.

Then we all kinda decided we were going to go to "Cheers" for the night. It was kinda fun there. There was a whole bunch of us that went. I get a little scared each time I walk through the doors there still. But each times gets a little bit easier. And its not so much that I am scared of anyone, but that I am scared of bumping heads with someone there.

So I met a really nice guy there tonight. He came back to the house afterwards and hung out with us for a while. And I will just leave that part at that.

We all stayed up and hung out after that. Things got a little slightly out of hand...to say the least. I have always been somewhat reluctant to fully speak out in my diary entries for fear of hurting someone's feelings that I care dearly about. I am so over that! What is the point of even having a diary if I cant speak out the way I want to in it? If I cant speak freely and tell how I really feel, then there is no reason to have one.

I am a little pissed...to say the least. It got a little too loud here tonight and the cops had to come and ask us to keep it down. I am all for a good time, but it was 4 am. That is a bit late. And everyone thought it was so funny and the more funny they found it, the more upset I got about it. I didnt find it humorous in the least. I live here and 3/5 of the people here dont. And 4/5 didnt really give a fuck. That's fine, I dont expect anyone too.

What really got me was that the minute I had enough and walked into my room, "MsMoHoney" started talking about how I have been like this and how I have been pissed off for a few weeks now. I wonder why its always so easy for people to say shit when you walk away and the door is shut, but can never say it right to your face. I much more respect people that say things to my face rather than wait until they think I am out of earshot.

I dont think I am going to be able to simply ignore this one. This is one that is going to have to be resolved immediately. I just wish I hadnt just re-signed the lease here. I wish I still lived alone, because if I did this wouldnt be happening right now. I started off unhappy here and things got great, but now I am back to being unhappy here again. And I dont want to not want to come home. I dont want to go back to wanting to spend the nights at friends' houses to avoid being here.

I dont know, maybe there is some resolution to this. Maybe I can have someone move in here and take over my part of the lease. Maybe there is a way that we can break the lease. I just know that I want out. And that isnt a feeling that is going to be any different when I wake up and everyone is sober. Because I am not drunk and I dont forsee this feeling changing.

I am very appreciate of many of the things that she has done for me. I care about her in a way that staying in the same house as her is going to change. I dont want our friendship ruined and if I stay it will be.

I know I have been a little...not myself lately. I am not arguing that fact for even a mili-second. I havent been feeling well at all lately and I know that isnt an excuse. I have been extremely, extremely homesick lately. Every time I talk to "MrCuriousGeorge" or "MrFrostedFlakes" I get a little more homesick. I want to blink my eyes and already be there. I want the last eight years to be nothing but a distant memory.

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