I have spent a big majority of my day thinking...thinking about what it is that I want to do and what it is that I need to do. I still havent come to this big resolution, but every thought brings me one step closer.
I know what it is that I want. And I know what it is that I dont want. I just dont know how to get the two to see eye to eye. I have been so unhappy lately and I see it pouring over onto all the people around me. I used to write about how my life was so stagnant and in need of change and now that change has come about, I dont want it. I want things back to the way they were in so many ways. I want my life back.
I recently wrote about how the person that "MrFrostedFlakes" remembers doesnt exist anymore. The person I was just six short months ago doesnt exist anymore either. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont dream of what it would be like if I were home...I mean home as in back home. I left, or should I say ran away, from there to get away from failed relationships. Its those failed relationships that are pulling me back. But I dont want to run away from here either. I am tired of running away from things.
I am tired of not being strong enough to face things head on with the strength of a woman...instead of a child. I am tired of not being brave enough to stand up and say things to people instead of letting them mount into something greater than they should be. I am tired of being so quick to let go of things (and people) instead of backing up my love for them by making it work.
I sometimes wonder how I let myself turn into this person. At what point did I get out from behind the wheel and let someone else, this person I have become, take over? I am sorry that I am not the person that everyone wants me to be. I am sorry that I am not the greatest friend, or the perfect girlfriend, or the sympathetic daughter, or the best employee, or the sweetest neice. I want to be those things, trust me, I do. I want to be those people.
I have been in such a hurry to transform into something, that I didnt take the time to stop and see that I already was a butterfly. And I dont say that in a conceited, stuck up, "I am perfect" kind of way. I say that in a "I didnt see what I had, because I was too busy focusing on what I didnt have" kind of way. I didnt stop to see the beauty that I already had around me. I feel so Wes Bentley in American Beauty. Ok bad joke, but the principle is still there.
I dont know where to begin to start. I wont pretend to know how to make this right again. All I can do it start from here, this very moment. I cant change what has been said or what has been done, I can only go from here. It like the saying "The journey of a thousand miles starts with the very first step". Yep, that is true.
There isnt going to one big grand plan that is going to fix everything. So bare with me while I work out the bugs in the system of my new plan as I go along. Transformation doesnt happen overnight either. One step at a time, one day at a time. Kick me in the ass when I need it. Some of you are already good at that without being told.
While I dont know fully where I want to be in the long run, I know right now that I want to be here...with my friends...with the people that I love. I think I will end up one day back on the east coast. Who knows. They say home is where your heart is. They didnt say what to do when your heart is split in half and is sitting in two seperate places three thousand miles apart from each other. I would say to meet somewhere in the middle, but I am not too crazy about Oklahoma.