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I can feel it coming back again, like a rolling thunder chasing the wind
Written at 10:09 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2002

Ahh, I finally got a very long overdue, restful night of sleep. I didnt get to sleep really early, about 11-ish. But it didnt take the jaws of life to get me out of bed either.

Got up at 7:27...no wait, 7:28, yeah 7:28 (Inside joke for "Ms2inchman").

I think I am finally feeling better. This relapse wasnt nearly as bad as the last. The last time was miserable and painful. I could barely feel anything. This time, the numbness wasnt too bad. I still am a little numb, but not nearly as bad as it was. I dont think I will ever have full feeling in my hands again. That is something that has never come back. Hey, as long as I can walk...no complaints here.

I think mentally I am feeling better as well. I stopped taking the Wellbutrin a few weeks ago, which I probably should get back on to keep everything level. But by mentally I mean my thinking. There was a while there where it was bad. I was having trouble saying what I was thinking. It was like I could picture what it was that I was trying to say, but I just couldnt get it to form into words. I would be left in mid-sentence trying to find that specific word to pull it all together. But I think that too has passed. Yesterday I was pulling out words from my vocabulary that I didnt even know the meaning for, much less be at a loss for words. So yay!

Now if I could just manage to smooth things over on the homefront. I hate this. I hate the tension that is just lingering in the air at my house. I wish I could get her to see that I never was mad at her to begin with. Yes, I have been a little different these last few weeks, but it wasnt about anyone or anything. I am human, I have moods just like everyone else. Sometimes I will sink into a mood for several days.

Honestly, what I think happened is that we were always two ships passing in the night. Her on the night shift, I on the day and she never got to really see how truly big a bitch I really am. I dont think she and I were around each other enough for her to see all the mood swings. When I am not feeling well, they change frequently. And in this case I just kinda sectioned myself off from the rest of the world. I stayed to myself. That didnt mean I was mad at anyone. How I act is not always a direct consequence or repercussion of someone else's actions. Sometimes it is just simply about me and no one else.

Now that I am feeling better, the first thing I am going to do is start getting out of the house more. I cant live with this nothingness in my life. I have got to get out and start doing things. I had mentioned to "MrGreekGod" about going to "Pebbles" this week. Maybe, just maybe, I will go.

I have to start doing all the little things that I keep putting off. Some of them I HAVE to take care of soon before they come back to bite me in the ass. I have also been meaning to call "MrTrojan" for like a week now. And that big pile of laundry is just getting bigger and it's just not going to take care of itself now is it? I may lose one or both cats in my closet soon if I dont take care of it.

So as I look outside right now, it may look all gloomy and as if it is going to rain any minute now, but to me it is a bright, beautiful, sunny day...and dont any of you try to tell me otherwise.

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