Today was fun. I really do love spending money. Actually, I love spending money when I know that there's more where that came from.
So I got up this morning and met "Ms2inchman" for lunch and then we went shopping. I really had missed shopping. Its so nice to now have the financial freedom to do that.
Its really funny because sometimes I am driving down the road and I start thinking about something that I want to write in here, but when I get home and sit down in front of the computer, nothing comes to mind. I have been trying to write more about things that I think about or random thoughts that pop into my head instead of day to day activities.
So today as I was driving I started thinking about "MrApronStrings". I dont know why, but I have thought about him alot lately. Almost every day. But today I got to thinking about something someone asked me recently...after six long years, why did you two break up? At first, I had always used the excuse that we just drifted apart. But today I started thinking that it was more like we started taking each other for granted. We just always assumed that no matter what, the other person would always be there.
And there are times, like today, that I get to wondering what my life would be like if we were still together. Then memories of all the bad times come flooding back and I quickly remember. He really shed me of alot of my identity. It was to the point that when we split I had no idea what flavor of ice cream that I actually liked. I was so used to liking things because he did. And when it came time for me to stand on my own, I was clueless. I had no idea who I was. I am still, two years later, trying to gather the pieces and put it all back together.
Sometimes I get so frustrated when I cant seem to get two pieces to fit together that I think it would have been better to stay in that dysfunctional relationship rather than have to start over. Because two years later, I still dont have a clue. I have a better understanding of who I am, but I still dont fully have it.
I know now that no matter what, I dont ever want to be with him or someone like him ever again. Are you kidding? I dont miss someone busting holes in my bedroom door to get in. Or someone who wants to define every molecule of my being. That isnt a relationship, that is a dictatorship. And I see that now. I was so incredibly young when we got together. At 19, I thought that I was going to live happily ever after. Until my prince turned back into a frog.
But it was a learning experience. I am still learning from it. I dont entirely know what I want yet, but it has helped define what I dont want. I am happy not being the person that I was then. I am happy to have left her behind in that house. To have left her there and closed the door on my way out. It was like he left me as a shell of a person. Which normally is a bad thing. But I got to take this shell of a person and fill it up with whatever I wanted. I got to start all over. And sometimes I do still get scared when I realize that I am standing on my own two feet and I may fall. Then other times, I feel empowered when I realize that I am standing on my own to feet and I may fall...but I will get right back up.
One thing I do miss is knowing that there is someone there. I miss being with one person and one person only. I am tired of flopping from one failed relationship to another. And for the last two years, that is exactly how it has been. One disaster after another. But looking back, I wouldnt change a thing. Because each person that has come along has brought with them one of the missing pieces. And someday someone is going to come along and have that last missing piece that is going to put it all together.