I should already be in be. I can barely keep my eyes open.
I spent the latter part of my day with "MsMoHoney". We went to dinner and then went shopping. I have spent way too much money lately. I really need to curb that and keep it more under control.
So while we were shopping, we browsed through the men's clothing section. She was looking for something for her man and I...was along for the ride. I saw this shirt hanging there and thought "MrApronStrings" would love this. After I smacked myself in the face for allowing that thought to come into my head, I realized how pathetic that was. Why was I picking out shirts for an ex-boyfriend that is now married?
I feel so defeated with him. I look back at that naive 19 year old girl and I miss her. I miss the spark she had towards life and the vibrant energy she exhumed. I feel so drained of any remnant of her. She was so different from this person that I am forced to look at every day in the mirror.
I think that is why in some ways I feel scared to go back home to visit. Everyone remembers me as that girl and she doesnt exist anymore. How can I get people to like the person I am now if I cant even accept it? I have turned into everything I never wanted to be.
I blame so many things on so many people. I blame my father for passing me this horrible disease. I blame my mother for chosing love over blood. I blame "MrApronStrings" for taking my best years from me. But mostly, I blame myself for allowing myself to respond to these things.
I am scared because I only have two months (a little under) to find some trace of what used to be there. I dont think I am going to pull it off. I am not trying to be someone I am not. I am trying to be someone I was, someone I used to be.
There are so many projects I need to get my ass moving on. I need to get my ass back into gear with this working out and getting into shape thing. I was doing good there for a while and totally slacked off.
I also swore to myself that as soon as I had this medical crap in order that I would get back into school. I told myself that I would only take one semester off until it was all in order...that was a year ago. So I am going to do it this coming semester. I tend to feel better when I am off my ass and doing things.
I also need to focus on and re-assess some of the relationships in my life. I have allowed to many of them to become entirely too estranged. Foremost, my mother. It has been well over a month since I received her email and the message she left on my voicemail. I have yet to call or write her back. I dont know what to say to her. Nothing I can say will make this any better on her. But I can give her support to the best of my ability.
There are little odds and ends here and there that need to be tended to, but these are the bigger of them. Looks like I will have my work cut out for me. But I think the end result will well be worth the effort put into the transition.