I am now thinking that eight cups of coffee probably wasnt the brightest idea. I am a total spaz today. I usually am, but today its a little more than usual.
I just didnt sleep very well last night. I tossed and turned and had horrible dreams. I was hot, then I was cold, then I was hot again. See, even when I am sleeping I am a spaz. What is wrong with me? Please dont answer that.
So today I got my ticket for my trip. It is in my hand. I cant wait to go back. I have come to the decision that "MrFrostedFlakes" will not be part of my trip. I have thought about it and have chosen not to see him while I am out there. No matter how much time has passed, to me he will always be that 17 yr old boy who cant make up his mind and is flaky as hell. And the past two years since we have re-connected havent proven that he has changed a bit. So rather than go back down that road again that leads to nowhere, its best that I dont see him.
He asked me last night if I want him to pick me up from the airport. I cant trust that I wont be left to hitchhike my way up Hwy 95. That would suck. He promises that he will be there. But looking back, he doesnt have a very clean track record with me. Which is fine because I am arranging a rental car so I can go up to Delaware while I am out there anyway.
Today's plan for Operation GOMA (Get Off My Ass) is to finally sit down and write that email to my mother. I have gone over what I am going to say to her about a million times in my head. And it still doesnt sound the way I want it to. I havent realized until lately just how much anger I have accumulated inside of me with her name on it. She used to me my best friend, but now she has become this stranger.
I am working at re-building some sort of relationship with her. The foundation is a little unsturdy though, but I am working on it. I just cant handle her constantly trying to make me feel guilty for leaving. Everything I do she takes as a personal attack against her. The reason I moved to California wasnt to get away from her, but it was because of her.
I have made a better life for myself here than I could ever have made there. I have never regretted moving here. My only regret is letting too much time go by since I have last been back there. But this trip is going to help me in so many ways on so many different levels. Its going to be great!