I have no patience, no sanity or feeling left. I am completely numb. I am trying to hold on to it, but I am losing the battle.
I had my first big argument last night with "MrLightening". It wasnt pretty. We were driving down the road and I spotted someone I know and I commented on the license plate frame..."I used to have time, then I had triplets". And I commented on how I would never want triplets. He then started in on how it would be a blessing and all that. Then it got quiet and he mumbled something that I couldnt hear, so I asked what he said and he turned to me and screamed (and I do mean screamed) "I said it would be a blessing".
That took me by complete surprise. He has never yelled at me before. So we got back to my house and the tension was still there. I was a little upset because we had made plans to spend the weekend on his boat (I know, I know...he doesnt have a car but has a boat. Doesnt make sense to me either)and then he tells me that he may have his son for the weekend.
Later on in the evening, "MrZingers" called me. I was in the kitchen doing dishes and he walks in and taps me on the shoulder and says "I am going out, see ya later". That sparked a little argument right there that I didnt particularly need for "MrZingers" to hear.
What really hurt me is, we were sitting in my room talking...well, more like him talking and me listening...and he said something like "I am losing myself and I can feel I am not the person that I was before". So when he turned his back, I went out to the living room and quickly grabbed my keys and took off out the front door. I didnt make it any farther than the steps out front. I just sat there and cried.
We are both losing ourselves here. I dont understand it. It doesnt make any more sense to me than it does him.
Eventually, he came out and we talked about things. We talked about how this weekend we were going to take his son to Sea World. I am not really into big fish, but whatever. I have never been there so I am up for it.
That was until this morning he told me that he wasnt going to have his son this weekend and we were going to go up north instead. He wanted to take me up to the Redwoods and go to some bed and breakfast place up there. That sounded fun too. Sounded really fun.
That was until he called me while I was at work and told me that he would be getting his son this weekend after all. All of the sudden, Sea World didnt seem all that fun anymore in comparison.
We talked about it over the phone and he basically told me that he isnt completely sure what the plan is with his son as his son's mother cant seem to make up her mind. I told him that's it's not right for me to be kept in limbo for my weekend because someone else cant make up her mind. What came next shocked me...he said "She cant always make up her mind, you will have to deal with that".
I hung up right there. I didnt need to hear anymore. I had heard enough. About five mins later, I called back and said "No one can seem to make up their mind, so I will...I am going with my family tomorrow and I am going out with "MrZingers" tonight"...then I hung up.
Then, (I feel as if this soap opera will never end) he calls me back and said that he laid it down to her and she is keeping the son all weekend. Sad part is, that its too late...I had taken the initiative to make my own plans.
No one is going to tell me to deal with anything. I just dont get it. I am way too unhappy too early on. And I have been in some seriously dysfunctional relationships before and never been this upset all the time.
I just cant do this. I cant keep feeling this way. I am afraid to speak in fear of an argument. I get the sulkiness when I say we need space. What do I need to do to be happy? I cant get him to understand that he is smothering me. Even if it is with love, I still cant breathe. But lately, its been getting pretty ugly.
Who says lightening doesnt strike the same place twice?