I had a major moment of clarity today.
We went and took a drive down to the beach this afternoon. Every time I drive through there, I get a weird feeling. I start thinking back to when I lived there with "MrApronStrings". Then I see the apartment we used to live in and I start thinking about things.
Today I've come to the conclusion that I have Wounded Bird Syndrome. I started thinking about how things were in the beginning when I first lived here with "MrApronStrings". The memory that came back to me was of me detoxing him.
He had a drinking problem when I first met him. I stepped in and tried to help him. One night in particular that I remember was his first night without a drink. I remember lying next to him and feeling the bed shake as he went through withdraw. I remember holding a cold washcloth to him as he sweat profusely. What I remember most was this happy feeling that I had. Happy because I felt needed. Does that make sense? And you know, he never had another drink the entire 6 years we were together.
That's when it hit me...I thrive off of helplessness. I attach myself to people who need help...or at least that I think need help. And I try to swoop down and take care of everything.
That's exactly what I'm doing now with "MrBigDaddy". I saw someone who was down on his luck and I wanted to step in like Wonder Woman and make things perfect. But I cant.
We were sitting in his room today talking. And he mentioned about today being Father's day. He started getting this sad look on his face. I know he was thinking about his kids. I told him if I could, I would wave a magic wand and make everything in his world right again. And do you know what he said to me? He said, No you wouldnt. You're selfish and would keep me all to yourself. Then, I looked right at him and told him I would let him go...and if he wanted to go, just go. If being away from me would make everything in his world right again...then he should leave.
I started thinking about my favorite saying If you love something, set it free...if it comes back, its yours...if not, it was never meant to be. Then I thought about how I've already let him go once...and he came back. He should be mine already. But he isnt. And even if things would turn around and it would be all that I imagined it could be...I still couldnt let go of the feelings. The feeling that no matter what I'll never be her. And I'll always wonder if he wouldnt rather be with her.
So all I can think now is...Go little birdie. I've fixed your wing the best I could. Now take those wings and fly. Fly far, far away...