I get so lost when I read back over older entries. So utterly lost within myself...wondering why I put up with so much. Why I allow myself and other people to constantly tear me down. Why I cant just be that stronger person that everyone keeps telling me that I am. Why...just plain, why?
When I read over older entries, its almost like I can clearly remember how I felt at the exact time I was writing it. I get consumed by guilt, pain and frustration all over again.
I like to think that I'm in a better place now. With more laughs and smiles than tears and pain. I am determined to make a better life for myself...if only by inches instead of miles. I know that I put myself first alot more than I used to. I know that I speak my mind ALOT more than I did in the past. And if I really dont feel ike doing something, instead of biting it and doing it while griping inside, I just dont do it at all. I'll still go out of my way for someone...but its only for the people in my life that deserve it and reciprocate it.
I take alot better care of myself now than I used to. I eat a very low-fat diet and take more vitamins than anyone I know. A multi-vitamin, Evening Primrose oil capsules, cod liver oil pills, L-Lysine, Billberry Root capsules...the list goes on. I still feel like I'm 58 instead of 28, but I try. I'm nothing if I'm not trying.
And everyday I'll try a little harder...