I am so pissed. I just wrote out this long ass entry, but for some reason only half of it actually showed up. And now its just lost and I almost dont want to rewrite it.
I am so tired today and I'm having a very off day today. I was kept up all night with these dreams/nightmares. I dont remember vividly the visual part of it. I do remember hearing You're so fucked up. Its all your fault my kids were taken away from me. You're fat and ugly and noone will ever care about you. You're pathetic.
And that wouldnt be very far off from the last conversation I had with him. I hate him. I hate him with every ounce of my being and every breath in my body. I hate him because he is gone yet he still rents space in my head. I have tot take some of the responsibility here. I let him turn me into someone I never wanted to be. This is not who I am. I am not this cynical, angry, bitter person. Anyone who knew me before can attest that I was not like this.
I am so over it. Its only those rare instance where I see or hear something that reminds me of him. But ya know, I'll only miss the man I wanted him to be. I dont miss him. He's a lonely shell of a person now. There is nothing left to him. He's not living, he's just existing. Everything I was ever attracted to is dead now.
I hate this feeling.
"Because Of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you