I cannot even begin to put these past two weeks into words. I dont think there's an adjective that could accurately describe it.
I guess its just called life.
I really felt my world closing in on me. In ways that scared me to death. I think I've got most of it squared away now. It was just so overwhelming there for a while. I was feeling bad physically. I had to step away from my life because I couldnt seem to feel good enough to keep living it. Everything was difficult to do.
I think over the course of the last month I had gained 5-10 lbs. Which probably doesnt sound like alot, but for me it was enough. I handed five of them back, so I feel better about that now. Its all starting to come together lately.
I even had to rely on Matt a little for some things. I didnt like that feeling. I wouldnt have liked that feeling with someone else, let alone HIM. But I have to admit that he was there...and he did so much for me...and he never complained about a single minute of it. Doesnt change the past, but it made the present a little different. And manageable.
Last weekend was a breaking point. I never want to feel like that again. Ever. I had sunk so far into a hole, I just didnt know how to begin to get out. I was having panic attacks thinking about who would be there for me if it got worse...or never got any better. I dont think I've ever been so scared in my life. And I just woke up and decided that this was not how I was going to live out my life. Fragile and needy. No, not me.
I am all hopped up on painkillers...and steroids...and anti-depressants. But its working. I think this is the first time that I've taken my perscriptions exactly as directed. Go figure.
I've also felt bad about the people that I had to step away from for a while. Its kind of hard to get your foot back in the door sometimes. I had met a couple really awesome guys that I had to distance myself from for a little while there. And I'm thinking that its been taken personal, like things werent working out. That's not at all the case.
Its just so hard to meet someone and mention that I am sick. That I never know from one day to the next how I am going to feel. Its like flipping a coin sometimes. So I dont tell them. And it often makes things worse when I retreat inside of myself for a while when I am really sick. Its a big burden to throw on to someone when you've just met them. Hi, I'm Tracey...I'm an awesome person and we could have a lot of fun times...but they come with a lot of bad times too. Just doesnt seem fair to any of them. Its hard to be something to someone when you cant even be anything to yourself.
I am going to Becca's (first of two) baby showers this weekend. So I need to force myself out getting her gifts. A week ago I wasnt even sure if I was going. But I've got to go on with life. I cant afford to have it stop anymore.