I havent been here since May? Hard to believe. I guess its because not alot is going on here at the moment. And that is not neccessarily a bad thing either. I like things simple.
This past week has taken me to bothend of the extremes...very happy and very sad.
About a month ago, I started a new pill. It was FABULOUS. I was surprised at how happy I was and good I was feeling. I kinda felt normal for a time there. Sometimes I allow myself to get fooled by Hope. She sneaks in and makes me think that things will be okay. But as always, as soon as I started to believe in her and trust her...she flipped the script on me. What goes up must come down, right.
The end of last week was hard. I hate feeling bad...and I hate anyone seeing me feel bad. This weather has just been killing me. I knew that would be an issue before I even moved here. The heat just sucks the life force right out of me. But I cant seem to give up Hope. Its like a really bad drug.
Last weekend I did the family thing. It was my cousin's surprise Birthday party. It was so good seeing everyone. I love my family so much. I would eternally be lost without them.
I hadnt seen most of them since Christmas. Of course, I heard the "you look great" from everyone. I never know if they say that because they mean it or if its for my benefit to keep me going. Maybe they are shocked that I am even still standing. I really wanted them to see the week before when I felt on top of the world...lately I feel like someone picked the world up and dropped it on my head.
But I dont give up. I just cant. There are already too many things I have given up in my past that I wonder what would have happened if I hadnt. I cant do that with this.
I hate to be bitching about this here...but there isnt a single person that I can bitch to about this. I put on a happy face all the time so that noone can really tell. I figure this is the better outlet. Noone wants to be around you if you bitch and complain all the time...but I have to get it out somewhere. Better here than anywhere else, I suppose. And I think not bitching about it to people helps me the most. The other day I was talking to my old friend/coworker/roommate and she told me, "I think youre so strong...you never complain about things and yet you have more to complain about than anyone I know." It helps me work harder sometimes. Because it makes me feel like I have people that will be let down if I fail. I cant trip and fall on this.
Other than that, I really dont have anything to complain about. Life is good.