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I'm just an Orange County in an extra-ordinary world...
Written at 12:22 a.m. on Sunday, Aug. 07, 2011

What can I say...this place drives me a little more insane EVERY FREAKING DAY!

I dont know...I have just been thinking about California alot more lately. In so many ways, I dont regret moving back to Maryland. But in so many ways, I kinda do.

This place has changed me. Wow, has it ever. And I notice a little bit more of it every day. I didnt use to be this hard...this cold. I have had to that way here. I just remember as a kid being around some shady people. I didnt live in a great neighborhood and you had to grow up fast. survival of the fittest. But I got away from all of that...I got away from here.

California totally refined me. *in my coolest Valley Girl accent.* But totally did. It's funny, because I hear people speak around here...and the east coast Baltimore combined with the WORST, and I say WORST, example of our English language. It almost sounds a little imbred. Maury might have fun here. Anyhoo, back to my point...I sounded like this for YEARS. And people probably thought I was never schooled. It took me years to get all prim and proper. I even have Emily Post's Book Of Etiquette. That book has to be almost as thick as War & Peace...seriously.

My point in all of this rambling is...I feel that nicely refined, sweet girl getting farther away from me every day. She is being replaced by this hard-ass, take-no-shit bitch. Since I have been back, I realized I needed to stop living like I am still in Orange County. I cant go to many places after it gets dark because the county here turns in to city more every day. I cant live like I did there...I could never walk out my front door and, without locking it, take a walk down the street to get my mail. That's just not going to happen.

I miss the way I was back there. And I have been missing it there alot lately. I keep screaming at myself "What did you do? You got away from this place...and you're right back where you left off like it was still September of 1994. How did this happen?" And I get so mad with myself...and I dont know what to do with that anger.

But for now, I have convinced myself that the girl I once was still lives in this parallel universe. She always has perfect weather. After work she meets up with her best friend at "Cheers" for Happy Hour...because her bestie now works down the street from her house and that's super close to "Cheers".

It works for now.

So here I am...HERE I AM. I keep hearing myself say that its going to be this way for a while...suck it up, Buttercup. UGH...I really want to punch that bitch!