Its coming...its waiting around the corner waiting for the perfect time to jump out at me.
The only difference is...this time I am yelling "Come on out, I am not afraid of you anymore.
That would be Heartache that I am referring to. I am hoping that Hearthache will buy my lie and choose to pass on me and find some other person to torment.
I had a very, very bad argument with "MrBigDaddy" tonight. And I think we are going to split up.
Things didnt have to happen the way that they did tonight. But I just couldnt keep my mouth closed any longer. I cant continue to waste my time being with someone that cant take my feelings into account. Someone who isnt looking for the same things that I am.
It all started when I mentioned that I was going to meet some friends at a local pub. He gave me a really hard time about it. Which I dont understand, because he is the one that told me I should go out with my friends while he is at work instead of just sitting at home. But the first time I exercise that priviledge (pshhht!), he gets all bent out of shape.
He went on to tell me how people that go to bars are there to flirt with other people and pick them up. So I said, "Tomorrow night when you are having drinks with your friend, is that what you will be doing?" He is so hypocritical. Its ok for him to think that I would do it, but completely absurd for me to think that he would.
I went on to tell him how unhappy I am. I told him how much I miss being with him and spending time with him. I told him how I need more to this relationship than this. I told him that I feel like I am in it all alone. And he pretty much shrugged me off.
Our biggest argument came when we talked about living together, just the two of us. He wants to rent a room from me. He wants us each to have our seperate rooms, but sleep every night in the same room. Does anyone else see a problem with this. He didnt understand my complaint. I dont want to live with him and feel like this is his room and this is my room. I want to live with him and think this is OUR house. Again, I just got shrugged off.
He said something and I cant clearly remember its context, but it was something pertaining to when we break up. Why should I continue to stay with someone who already sees the potential for failure in our relationship? You are right, I shouldnt.
Just because you have had two failed relationship that have left you totally jaded and bitter...dont take that out on me. Because I have done nothing wrong here, but try to provide a thriving relationship where I now realize that I am the only one pulling for it to work. And that hurts. It hurts so very deeply to know you are with someone that expects a bad outcome. I cant even begin to describe the pain.
It feels like betrayal. It feels like when you put all your trust in someone and they abuse that. Because I had trusted that if I let him in one more time, he would be more considerate of me. And I see I was foolish. I was clearly mistaken.
All I want to do is sleep. Sleep all of this away and not have to deal with it. But I know I cant. So I figure if I cant sleep through it, I can be numb to it all. Which I know I am going to be sorry for, but I see no other option. I hate the very thought of this, but I have decided I am putting myself back on the Wellbutrin...starting tomorrow.
I hate that I am this weak. That I cant do it without the help. But I am just not that strong enough. I wish I were. I just dont have it in me anymore.
I am physically and mentally worn down and I just need a sabatical from it all. I need to not feel for a while.