This morning I read an entry from one of my favorite diarylanders (and friend). It was to his wife for their anniversary. (It was beautiful, John) In fact, it was so beautiful it had me in tears. At first it was because I could feel the love that he was pouring into every word. Then, my mood took a sharp turn and it was because I started thinking if I stay in this relationship, I will never have that.
And I realize now just how much I am spinning my wheels here. This isnt going to go anywhere. I am expending too much time and energy into something that isnt going to come out the way I want it to. And considering that he really doesnt put in any effort, why should I continue to do this?
Even now as he lays five feet away from me sleeping, I cant help but look at him with such contempt and disgust. Because I know my suspicions are correct. I just cant prove it yet. But I will. Somehow.
There's just so many things that looking back on them now, dont add up. Like how there's a recurring number that he has been calling several times a day, between 6-10 times, and they normally start about fifteen minutes after I leave in the morning. Or how he came in this morning telling me he might go to work in a few hours, but he doesnt know yet. I guess he's waiting for "the call" before he decides on that one.
And I used to just chalk it up to me being paranoid and distrusting of everyone, but I dont think I am wrong here. Something deep inside, call it a gut instinct if you want, is telling me that he is being unfaithful to me. And they always say if you think he is, he probably is.
I keep kicking myself for allowing him to walk back into my life after all the damage that he caused the last time. I hate him for coming back, because I was just fine without him. I was doing fine.
And I am just going to have to put on that thick skin of mine that I am getting so used to wearing and get through this too.