I dont even know what to say. I have had so much going through my head today.
I get this weighted feeling every time I open the refridgerator and see that box. I dont know what I am so scared about. I dont really have a choice. Its just something that I have to do. Yet, every day I procrastinate. I realize that I am harming more than I am helping. Its not going to get better if I dont step up and just do it. The nurse called me and left a message on my voicemail at work. I know she is the blinking light I see on my answering machine at home. I dont know why I am putting off calling her back. I think it's more than the thought or fear of needles. I think that starting this treatment is almost like an admission of sickness...and I dont want to think of myself as sick. But the truth is that I am and I will only get worse if I dont start. Its just that when I think of the word "treatment" I think of...diseased, ailing, debilitated, sickly, unhealthy, confined. Is it sad that I would rather have cancer? With cancer, you go into treatment (chemotherapy) and you either get better or you die. I just dont know if I am strong enough to do this for the rest of my life. This is a lifelong commitment, dedication. I know that sounds so selfish, but I cant help it.
I can almost see why my father gave up. I dont want to be like him, or anything close. I want to have the will to fight it. I want to have that positive outlook and keep faith that it will turn out alright. Its just so damn hard. Its so hard to wake up in the morning and have half of your body asleep and no matter what you do, you cant get feeling back in those certain parts. I also worry about if these drugs are going to make me more sick. But I worry that if I dont do this, I am going to end up paralyzed. I already have six lesions in my brain. SIX!!! That is alot. Thankfully, my spine looks good. I am ever so grateful for that.
Yesterday "MsMoHoney" asked me what I want for my birthday. I hadnt given it much thought. I know now that if I had one wish it would be that I would wake up tomorrow and find out that this was nothing more than a bad dream and its over. I want to wake up and feel my hands and not feel a surge of pulsating energy every time I bend my head forward. I once drove by this billboard that said "Multiple Sclerosis...Imagine never being able to pick up your children again". What a horrible thought. Breaks my heart to just think about that. I wish no one had to go through this. I wish there was a cure. For now, all I can do is wish.
Well, I dont know how I got on that soapbox. But its time for me to step down. I am done my ranting and raving for the day. I am so very tired. I wanted to come home after work and go to sleep. I ended up meeting "Ms2inchman" for dinner which was a good thing because I ran into "MrGoodfellas" there. It was nice talking to him and catching up. I hadnt seen him in months. Basically, since he and "MrCuriousGeorge" helped me move into my apartment. Funny how things tie together like that.
I talked to "MrCuriousGeorge" for a little bit tonight. As always, he didnt have much of anything to say. He usually doesnt. At least tonight there wasnt that "Hey bitch~cook me dinner" bullshit that he was flinging around last night. I am not even going to try to analyze that again. I just dont have the energy for all that...or the care to know.